the worker bee

i am at work, and there is nothing (at all) for me to do. i have checked my email, myspace, and facebook a dozen times. not much changes when you check your email like every five minutes. i brought two books with me today, i must have known. though the hours drag on when there is nothing to do, it is nice to have a break from folding hundreds of sheet of paper. i believed i have developed a nice little callus in the middle of my palm from all the paper folding.
i have my own office in my new job, my own four walls, two windows, my own door and computer. my own butterfly dish which i have filled up with rubber bands and paper clips. but my absolute favorite thing in my office is the magazine rack filled with the summer 2005 edition of the American Educator. the title of this addition is: Building a Union, Toppling Communism. my eyes are now opened to the problem the american education system was having with communism. the russian and the chinese have nothing on the american teacher.
five hours 30 minutes and counting

the birthday

today is my dad's 59th birthday. i spent the last of my money buying him a really nice birthday present. i knew i spent so much money on him this time around, because this could very well be the last birthday present i ever buy my dad. its been 7 months since the diagnosis. so according to the doctors my dad only has about another 5 months. i am not sure if this was in our heads when alex and i changed our minds and only got dad a 6 month membership to netflix, rather than the one year had originally planned on getting. but something made both of us change our minds.
susan left today and i am worried about the rest of the week, luckily we have the trip to cancun to look forward to. it will prevent my dad from falling into a depression. though i am really looking forward to this trip i am very scared. there are so many things to worried about when i am in the comfort of my own home. and now we are taking all those worries to mexico. i have to put all my worries out of my head and enjoy my time, because i know this is going to be the last family vacation, the last vacation my dad ever takes.
he gets the third scan when we get back from cancun. i don't think the news is going to be good. my feeling might be just a way to protect myself from getting hurt. but i notice a lot of changes between now and the last scan. everyone keeps saying that these changes are just a result of the medication. i think they are doing this, because if you say those words out loud often enough you might actually believe it. whats the point of trying to believe something you know is not true.

the meanie

i have moved back to the suburbs into my parents house. tomorrow will mark the one week at my parents house. this has been a hard week, a very hard week. this whole experience is much different from being a guest. the guilt that was the driving force to the return home is still here, only now i feel guilty every time i am at the house and not spending time with my dad. i also have to see this cancer ever day, every day i have to think about it. there is nothing that i can now do to escape. my dad has also developed a bit of a mean streak. twice today he has intentionally said really cruel things to me. i know it is the cancer, but it is still mean. it still hurts. i know this cancer can change his personality, but every day i do so much for him, and i just get insults and meanness in return. my mom reminds me it is not my dad saying these things, it is the cancer, but that does not make the comments hurt less.
this whole week has just been very difficult. i have to see my moms sadness everyday and it hurts. i want to help her so much and make things better, but there is nothing i can do. there is nothing i can do about anything. i hope that as time goes on it will be easier, i hope.