the birthday

today is my dad's 59th birthday. i spent the last of my money buying him a really nice birthday present. i knew i spent so much money on him this time around, because this could very well be the last birthday present i ever buy my dad. its been 7 months since the diagnosis. so according to the doctors my dad only has about another 5 months. i am not sure if this was in our heads when alex and i changed our minds and only got dad a 6 month membership to netflix, rather than the one year had originally planned on getting. but something made both of us change our minds.
susan left today and i am worried about the rest of the week, luckily we have the trip to cancun to look forward to. it will prevent my dad from falling into a depression. though i am really looking forward to this trip i am very scared. there are so many things to worried about when i am in the comfort of my own home. and now we are taking all those worries to mexico. i have to put all my worries out of my head and enjoy my time, because i know this is going to be the last family vacation, the last vacation my dad ever takes.
he gets the third scan when we get back from cancun. i don't think the news is going to be good. my feeling might be just a way to protect myself from getting hurt. but i notice a lot of changes between now and the last scan. everyone keeps saying that these changes are just a result of the medication. i think they are doing this, because if you say those words out loud often enough you might actually believe it. whats the point of trying to believe something you know is not true.