the guilt

one of the things i hate is to call home and my dad is completely distracted from what i am trying to tell him.

i called home tonight to ask my parents if they wanted me to cook diner tomorrow, when i come home for a quick visit. i asked my dad if he wanted me to cook the recipe i had selected, he never answered the question. when he is tired its hard for him to concentrate, but it still makes me so frustrated. there is a lot of guilt associated with this frustration. i know it is not his fault, it was not a part of his pre-tumor personality. so, i feel guilty for not being more understanding, not being more patient with my dad. but, i just want to yell at him on the phone, "answer my question!" or "let me finish a sentence!" or "just listen to what i am saying!" and i feel guilty.

i worry sometimes about my mom. i only have to deal with my dads "situation" for short periods of time and mostly over the phone. my mom has to be understanding all the time. this creates more guilt. and now, i also feel guilty for not being able to help my mom.

there is never a time, right now, that i don't feel guilty for something. if i had a day off and went out and had a great time, maybe got a little to drunk, i feel guilty. guilty for not using my day off to see my dad, guilty for having a good time when my mom is always blamed for my dads frustration, guilty for over consumption and not taking better care of myself.

will these feelings ever go away, or will they only be worse once i move to new york city. i know part of the reason i choose to move back in with my parents this summer was to stop feeling so guilty for everything i do and everything i think.

the guilt is sometimes so consuming that i find it hard to be around other people. it's not that i don't want the company. its that my guilty thoughts are so over powering, so consuming that they conflict with my interactions with others, they make it hard for me to speak coherently.

to fight the guilt, i am working on being in the moment. to focus only on what is going on right here, right now. not to think about the what i should had done or what i need to do, but what i am doing.